Questions for Sage: The Grieving Man and the Spiritual Teacher - Student Relationship

I was participating in a web-based discussion forum for men who also have some sort of concrete spiritual practice, when someone participating in the discussion asked me this very specific question: 

"Sage, I understand you have written quite a bit about what you call "The Grieving Man" archetype. Do you think this comes into play in any way in the teacher-student relationship when both the teacher and the student are both male? I was recently reading about a male student who broke with his male teacher in a very public and acrimonious way and got the sense that something else that was not spoken of was going on there."

Sage responds: I am glad you asked me that question. I have a lot to say there. First, here are my most basic ideas about what I term, "The Grieving Man" and part of what I see as being at the root of it:

I believe most mens primary and in many cases lifelong grief experience is deeply connected to their relationship (or lack thereof) with their fathers. I believe this can also be true even if the man believes he has/had a wonderful relationship with the father (or father figure). I suspect however, the vast majority of men, at least in western cultures, have not had a good relationship with their fathers. My intuition tells me that this is also more or less the case for men in other parts of the world as well. I simply do not have enough personal or research experience there to say this with as much authority as I do for men who live in The West.

Men are essentially grieving because we do not know how to love other men, half the world's human population. And we need to know how to love men to lead fully productive lives. This is all directly related to the experience of not feeling loved by the father or feeling abandoned or not understood or not accepted by the father, etc. Most men realize this on some level, mostly subconsciously.

So the grieving man is grieving in my view, largely because of a disconnect from at least a perceived loving and supportive relationship with the father or the primary male father figure in the young boy's life. And so a primary result of this particular disconnect is a propensity for men to then look to women to teach us how to love, regardless of the man's sexual orientation.

That is the most basic background stance I have.

Now lets superimpose the teacher-student relationship onto that. My first observation here would be that many men who seek out a spiritual teacher or guru are likely to be men who have experienced at least some kind or degree of longing for a more satisfying relationship with the father. So at the most basic psychodynamic level the Zen Master, spiritual teacher or guru can become a substitute father in the conscious or subconscious mind of the student.

This is the energetic point where I believe a lot of problems can potentially begin. I imagine it can also be the place where a lot of healing can also take place. In my observation, I have seen the former occur more often than the latter.

However, for true healing to take place there has to be some concrete awareness of there being something in need of healing. I believe, with a lot of men, there is not the conscious awareness that there is some major injury inside of us connected to our relationship with father and therefore, something there being ripe for healing. There may be anger, rage, emotional distance and all other kinds of emotions, emotional states and attitudes toward the father, the father/son relationship and even around constantly revisited memories of that relationship. None of that however, necessarily translates into a conscious awareness that there is a need for healing there.

So, as often is the case, we will have a student who likely has many or some unresolved "father issues" who has sought out a man--who often is actually the approximate age of his own biological father--and who himself may have an equal number of unresolved father issues, agreeing to embark on a relationship that in many ways is an approximation of the father-son relationship. This can be and often is a recipe for disaster because neither man may be prepared for what will likely be stirred up inside of him as a direct result of this relationship.

At some point I want to do a thorough investigation of well known male teacher-student relationships that have ended in very or semi public displays of outrage, finger pointing, mutual accusations and over-the -top vitriol. I have no doubt I will have lots of stories to cull through. I have witnessed several such blowups in my own lifetime. When I read of these I almost always have this thought--"ahhh, unresolved and unconscious father/son drama is being played out here on the public stage." A few times in Buddhist circles I have witnessed the distraught and outraged student getting an article published in a distinguished Buddhist journal describing his version of the relationship with his, in his view, manipulative, condescending and self-promoting teacher one month and the frustrated and confused teacher having an editorial or article of his own in the next issue of the same Buddhist journal. Perhaps some healing is also taking place in such a scenario that I'm not privy to.

I have been involved in spiritual circles long enough now to have even witnessed this telling chain of events: A male student leaves his esteemed male teacher in a public and dramatic and vitriolic huff. That student, some time later then becomes a teacher in his own right. A few years later one or more of his own male students leave him and his organization in a public and dramatic and vitriolic huff. One of these departing male students a few years later becomes a student in his own right and the exact same drama is repeated yet again. This scenario gives us some indication of how unresolved father/son issues can go on causing havoc for generations and impacting many people beyond the initial duo. The same process occurs in biological families, corporations, governments, etc.

So this is just one way I am able to talk about how The Grieving Man archetype, when combined with the student/teacher relationship, as it is found in many of the world's spiritual and religious traditions, can play itself out.

Finally, I want to make it clear that my motivation here is not to criticize nor dishonor men. I am a man whose entire adult life has been devoted to the understanding, healing, transformation and celebration of The Sacred (Divine) Masculine. It is a fundamental aspect of my life's purpose. My motivation is still the same. it is understanding, healing, transformation and celebration of the Sacred Masculine.