When Things Go Wrong

When Things Go Wrong

When something “goes wrong” in our lives, which is to say, when we either don’t get something we want (which can come to us in a mind dizzying array of possibilities) and/or when we find we get something we don’t want (which, for all intents and purposes essentially means getting some form, some expression, some degree, or some experience of pain) we have a choice about how to respond/react. Many of us however, consistently choose blame as the principal go to response/reaction. So when we either don’t get something we want and/or when we get something we didn’t want…

We can…

1.      Blame ourselves.

2.      Blame someone else.

3.      Blame a group or community of people.

4.      Blame both ourselves, someone else, and additionally blame some group or community of people

5.      Blame some situation, circumstance, or reality that is present in our lives at the time like a recession, or being unemployed, or being diagnosed cancer, etc.

6.      Blame God.

7.      Blame one or more dead people like a parent who physically abused us or a drunk driver who crashed into our car many years ago, causing us to be wheelchair bound for the rest of our life.

8.      Blame some phenomenon that does in fact exists or that we believe exists in the world such as astrology, fate, bad luck, bad weather, “acts of God,” etc.

9.      Blame some single or some collection of social, organizational, structural, governmental flaws, imperfections, and syndromes such as the history of slavery that various groups of people on the planet have a history of being subjected to over the course of human history, structural and generational racism, patriarchy, sexism, homophobia/heterosexism, “Obama Care,” etc.

10.  Blame one or more personal life circumstances, situations, influences, experiences, personal histories, and/or perceived personal limitations or personal traumas, being born into poverty, being abused either as a child or in adulthood or both, or being dyslexic or being born with a congenital heart defect, etc.

11.  Blame some combination of numbers 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10.

12.  Or we can do none of that and go within and go from there.

We may be very tempted to dismiss #12 as a viable option for us. We may be very highly aware that some of the things that show up on our personal list in terms of #9 and #10 are indeed very real problems, very real difficulties, and very real challenges in the world that can and often do cause very real pain, very real suffering, very real trauma, and very real, tangible grief in the world and that we as individual people can also personally experience and be very hurt, impacted, abused, marginalized, disenfranchised, and/or extremely limited by in certain ways. Because of all of this we may conclude that #12 does not apply to us, is a joke, is unrealistic, is only an option for people who do not have a rational understanding of the world, is only for “suckers,” is only an option for white people, etc. I understand all of this. I have compassion for all of us and for all the pain we have all experienced in this life and that we either may or may not be trying to actively work through or on.

I assure you however, none of that are reasons to dismiss #12 out of hand, as an option for you personally regardless of the pain nor the extent of pain and trauma you have experienced in life. However, it may be true that you simply may not currently be at a place either emotionally, psychologically and/or spiritually to invite into your conscious awareness the level of desire for liberation that is necessary to honestly and seriously do the work that is required when choosing #12. That’s OK. Only you know about that. I do not. I am only the messenger here.

Some more about blame

Social science research shows us that the process of blaming comes about as a result of, among other things, experiencing pain, dis-ease, and discomfort emotionally and physically and also having the experience of understanding that these feelings need to somehow dissipate; that they must go somewhere. There are both functional and dysfunctional ways to dissipate these feelings inside of us. Sincerely and honestly surrendering to what is, is an example of a functional way to dissipate these feelings. So is engaging in some type of compassion practice and/or what we know in Buddhism as “metta practice.” A dysfunctional way of attempting to dissipate these feelings is by blaming—either blaming self, blaming others, or blaming some personal, life, or some societal situation, circumstance or reality.

Blaming also comes about as a result of a fear of being made to feel vulnerable, a fear of confrontation, and an inability to hold oneself accountable for the feelings we experience and/or an inability to hold others accountable for how we perceive them as treating us when that perception is that we have been treated in a way we experience as being negative or counterproductive. 

A.    Fear of being vulnerable: When we have an interaction with another and we come away from that interaction feeling hurt or somehow unappreciated, disrespected, or a whole host of other possibilities, it is our job, when deemed appropriate, to somehow find the courage to tell the person how we are feeling in a way where we are not consciously adding more negativity to the situation. Doing this, among other things, requires the ability to be vulnerable. The reason this requires vulnerability is because there is always a possibility, no matter how lovingly and how gently we express this to the other person, that the other person may reject us and very few of us are truly welcoming of the experience of being rejected.

B.     Fear of confrontation: Telling someone how an interaction we have had with him or her has not gone well for us or has us experiencing some negativity not only brings with it the possibility of rejection, it also brings with it a something less extreme, which is the fear of some kind of confrontation taking place. Many people have a very deep fear of confrontation, chiefly because there is a fear that this will in fact lead to the more extreme experience of rejection.

C.     Holding oneself accountable: When we tell someone how we perceive an interaction with them has negatively impacted us we are holding ourselves accountable for being vulnerable enough and also being emotionally mature enough to be honest with ourselves about having these feelings and with being comfortable enough with our emotional truth to express this to the other person.

D.    Holding the other person accountable: When we tell someone how we perceive an interaction with them has negatively impacted us we are also holding the other person accountable for whatever action they may have engaged in during the interaction that may have been problematic.

Forgiveness

For many of us forgiveness—both forgiving of ourselves and the forgiving of others and possibly even forgiving God or forgiving society—is extremely difficult. One of the reasons we may be so quick to blame is because on some level, either consciously or unconsciously, we have difficulty with forgiving or with forgiveness itself.

How We Perceive the World and How We then hold those Perceptions

You may also find that when you look out into the world, you only see or mostly see “problems.” This may take the form of violence, a lot of pain, or a lot of suffering. All of this and more may collectively create your principal view of the world. When you think a little bit more about all of this, you may have the thought that one of the reasons there are so many problems and so much suffering in the world is because…

1.      People are basically bad.

2.      People are basically selfish.

3.      People are basically stupid

4.      People are basically greedy.

5.      People are too heartless.

6.      People are too self-absorbed.

7.      The world is going to Hell. People have abandoned God and simply need to find Jesus and accept him as their personal savior, and place him front and center in their lives.

8.      Some or most people in the world are simply not as smart as me (you may be very hesitant to admit this is something you think or believe. However, it is very important to be as honest with yourself as possible here).

9.      People are simply not religious or spiritual enough.

10.  People are too conservative.

11.  People are too liberal.

12.  People don’t take enough personal responsibility, for their actions, in their own lives

If anything in that above list serves as something of a “go to” thought for you—a though or set of thoughts you often or fairly often find yourself having, you may be someone who may approach life primary through an external locus of control rather than through an internal locus of control.

Locus of control

Locus of control (whether external or internal), in various branches of psychology, is seen as what points toward how we perceive where power is mostly located, in our lives. In other words, for our purposes here, people who understand the world primarily through an external locust of control tend to look to others, or to other life situations, circumstances, and realities in order to understand and explain their world and their experience of that world. People with a more internally based locus of control tend to look within to understand their world. I am oversimplifying this concept at this point. I will go into more detail about locus of control in later discourses. For now I will give a simple example of both. In these examples there are two people in a classroom situation. Both people recently got their test papers back in their history class. Both students received a “D” on the test. Student A comes from an external locus of control orientation and so when attempting to understand why she received the low test score she comes up with these thoughts: The teacher doesn’t like me. The room was very uncomfortable the day of the test and this was a serious distraction. The instructor framed the questions on the test in a very unclear way, etc. Student B, on the other hand, comes from an internal locus of control orientation when trying to understand his low score on the test. He comes up with these thoughts: I didn’t study adequately enough for the test. I didn’t allow myself to get enough sleep the night before the test. I didn’t understand some of the questions on the test clearly enough, etc.

There is not necessary anything inherently wrong with the existence of either locus of control in our lives. No man or no women is an island in this world after all, people are undoubtedly social beings, and it is impossible to separate ourselves completely from the environments that are around us and that we are also around. The difficulty arises however, when this gets out of balance, when we only view our experience through an external prism or only view our experience through an internal prism.

Some questions for self reflection

Does it feel good when I assign blame?

If it truly feels good when I blame, why does it feel good?

Who or what has control over my life?

Who or what has the power in my life?

Who or what have I given power to in my life?

What is my idea of being truly free?

Am I free?

Do other people understand me?

Do other people like me?

What are the five most common feelings I experience?