Almost everything I've learned about enlightened romantic relationships I've learned from Eckhart Tolle. Well, that's not completely true. I have likely learned just as much about enlightened romantic relationships from my own bumbling, clumsy and unenlightened misadventures in love, as much as from anything I've ever read or not read. Tolle has definitely been a major teacher for me though, in this and other areas. For those who want to get right to the jackpot without buying the lottery ticket, read the section entitled "Enlightened Relationships" in Tolle's "The Power of Now." Tolle, as has already been implied, heavily influences my positions on this topic. It however, has also been shaped by my own life experience. So perhaps both reference points will be beneficial for those who seek some clarity on this issue.
Like the format used in the book, “The Power of Now,” I am going to use the question and answer format for this. I believe that will work best. All of the questions are actual questions specific people have asked me in various settings. Some of the answers however,were constructed from a compilation of answers given to different people at different times.(Q) I don’t like the word enlightenment. Can we have this discussion without using the word enlightenment or the phrase enlightened relationships?
(A) Yes, of course we could have this discussion without that word or any of its derivatives or synonyms. I am going to continue to use this phrase though. I am going to continue to use it for two main reasons. One is because I like it and I believe it applies to the subject matter at hand nicely. Second, I don’t want to encourage your tendency to get bogged down in words you don’t like and then to use that as an excuse to miss the forest for the trees, as it were. But you are right. These are words and concepts that are largely misunderstood and/or misused especially in the West.
So let me start by demystifying the word/concept as much as I am able. Lets then try to go from there. Enlightenment is not a destination. It is an ongoing journey. With this awareness, no one is ever truly totally enlightened. It is a journey we are all on whether we are aware of it or not. Our physical bodies grow in some form or another throughout the course of our lifetime. Our mental bodies (or what might conventionally be called “our minds”) continue to grow and develop in some form or another over the course of our lifetime, even after and if some form of dementia happens to set in. So too does our spiritual "body" continue to grow in some form or another over the course of our lifetime. This spiritual development and growth could be called a process along the path of enlightenment or awakening. So like those other processes, it is a developmental process. It is not a destination.
Let me now dispel some other myths about enlightenment that may also be the source of some of your dislike for the word. Enlightenment or consciousness, another word I like, but unfortunately, that word is just as disliked and just as misunderstood, does not come from outside us, but rather from within. In other words, this process is not automatically or by design connected to the number of Dharma Center retreats one attends; nor the number of hours of meditation one achieves; nor the number of yoga poses one has mastered; nor the amount of prayer or church, mosque and temple attendance one engages in. It is not even directly related to the good and beautiful acts one does. Some people who are thought of or said to be “enlightened” may have demonstrated great degrees of all of those things. They may have spent thousands of hours in meditation or in various asanas. But none of that is in any way a necessary aspect of the enlightenment process. Again, the process is an inner one. It could be aided by all kinds of outer things, people, situations, practices, etc. None of that however, is necessary.
Another thing to know is that the term enlightenment is fairly culture bound. It has different, greater or lesser meaning and importance depending on the culture one resides in. In the West I would say, if a person who has also grown up in Western culture refers to him or herself as enlightened, it is a statement of the ego a majority of the time, rather than a statement of spiritual growth. Still, no one will truly know this except for the speaker. In this way it’s like many other great and obvious truths. Caution may still be a good practice here though. How many times does one hear a great genius in a field say, “I am a great virtuoso musician” or ”I am the greatest nuclear physicists alive?” It doesn’t happen that often. Truly great achievements truly speak for themselves. So a highly enlightened person usually has no need to point this status out to anyone, typically.There are numerous exceptions to that however. Again, ultimately it is a form of judgment for someone else to try to figure out what is going on when someone refers to him or herself as enlightened. Best advice--just go with the flow. Eventually the way the person "is" in a lot of different situations will become rather illuminating.
And finally, as alluded to earlier, do not get bogged down in terminology. If this word truly is an obstacle to you moving forward, throw it away or replace it with some other word that does not bring about such reactivity in you. As I said, I am going to continue using it because I like it.
(Q) Ok, so what do me and my partner need to do to move toward having an enlightened relationship, as you call it?
(A) Your partner doesn’t need to do anything.
(Q) Okaaaaaay. What do I need to do?
(A) You don’t need to do anything either.
(Q) I’m confused. What do you mean?
(A) Each human language comes with built in wisdom, gems and depth that are the essence of great spiritual teaching, just in the mere seemingly innocuous words they contain. In the case of English, one of the greatest universal and divine spiritual truths lies simply in the words in English that are used to describe what we are. We are Human Beings. We are not Human Doings. It is usually far more important how we are being in any given situation in life than what we are doing in any given situation in life. Know this and this alone and put it into action and your life will improve 50% instantly.
So your partner truly doesn’t need to do anything. You truly don’t need to do anything. Your partner doesn’t need to Be anything either. You however, do. You need to Be present. You need to Be alert. You need to Be conscious, tricky word there, I know. I’ll explain. And there is actually one thing you both could do together that will vastly help your chances. What you could do is to make an agreement with each other; an agreement with the greatest amount of depth you each individually and collectively can bring to it. That agreement is that you each will view your partnership as a spiritual practice. Then you will also want to act every moment on making that agreement a living agreement in your relationship however the term “spiritual practice” is defined by you both.
Now, I said you need to Be conscious. What do I mean? Really, it means you need to be aware. In popular parlance this means you need to be aware of “your own stuff.” You need to be aware of your emotional injuries, your reactivity, and the inner pain you are carrying inside you that could very well go all the way back to toddler age or earlier. And you need to be conscious of not projecting any of that onto your partner and pretending that it is his/her stuff when in fact it is your own. Even if it totally, absolutely, without question looks like your partners stuff. Trust me. It is always your own stuff. What is the main litmus test to know if it is your stuff and not your partners? If it is something that causes you to get upset, angry, rageful, depressed, anxious or withdrawn. He or she typically has more than enough of his/her own rightfully earned stuff to keep him/her busy enough.
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