It took me until I was in my 48th year to really and truly and genuinely learn how to say “no” to relationships or situations that were not serving me any longer. It took me that long to also have my statement of "no" come from a place of love, self love, deep compassion and beauty and at the same time for it not to be coming from a place of manipulation, passive-aggression or flat out aggression. If you are not yet 48 years old and especially if you are much younger than that, my desire is that it does not take you nearly as long to learn this important life lesson.
Before I get into this more deeply, I want to make sure it is clear exactly what we are talking about here. What we are ultimately talking about here is learning how to love ourselves and to do so very deeply. Very closely connected to that is that we are learning how to truly love others. As is often the case in life, those two are rarely really inseparable. Additionally, we are talking about respecting ourselves and respecting others. We are talking about being present to our emotional reality. We are talking about taking care of ourselves. We are talking about what some in the counseling professions call learning how to have “good conflict.” And we are talking about engaging in all of that as a conscious effort toward learning our place in this big world and owning what is necessary to accomplish that learning.
Now, for what we are not talking about. We are not talking about stuffing or ignoring our feelings. We are not talking about causing suffering to others or ignoring others feelings. We are not talking about being mean towards other people as a way of learning how to love ourselves.
Next, I want to reiterate and expand on the fact that it is true that relationships and situations can each develop in such a way that they no longer serve us. Some people, particularly some people associated with New Age spirituality, would have us believe there is never a situation where especially a relationship, no longer serves us. This is a mythology. It is untrue. Relationships and situations can both run their course of usefulness in our lives. When I first wrote this piece I wrote that people and situations can no longer serve us. That was a false statement. It is relationships and situations that can no longer serve us. A relationship can no longer serve us at least not in a specific form and expression that does not serve us. The same person or persons however, that were a part of that relationship can serve us and can continue to serve us quite profoundly...from a distance or if we choose, in physical communion once again. You may be called to meditate on the distinction that is represented there in those last few sentences.
There are some important things we need to know however, about the fact that relationships and situations can get to a point where they no longer serve us.
First, this state of affairs may not be permanent. And then again it might be. It could be that everything we can learn from the direct experience of the relationship or the situation has been learned and it is time to completely move on in love, forgiveness and no negativity. Or it could be that everything that can be learned right now has been learned. The future, in this scenario, may involve some sort of reconnection or "advanced learning."
We also need to know that saying no with the potential accompanying emotional states of bitterness, grief, sadness, outrage and other emotions is normal or may be normal for you. These and certain other emotions however, will ultimately poison what is otherwise always an invitation to spiritual growth if they are not eventually addressed at some point and transmuted.
So, what were the events in my 48th year that brought about this important revelation and transformation in my life? There were three primary ones and together they spanned the entire year. Each was monumental in its own unique way.
First, I left a motorcycling organization I created after it became clear to me that it and I had become completely out of alignment with each another. And this clarity came only after an extended period of high and sustained over-the-top melodrama that is second to none in my entire life experience of melodramatic situations. Sustained melodrama, BTW, can be a very good indication that its time to move on from a relationship and/or situation.
Next, I was laid off from my job. While that experience itself was really a rather welcomed event in many ways, despite the fact that there were some very funky aspects of it, on the part of my former employer, it also immediately led to a decision to retire from a profession I had worked in for over 20 years. This decision then led to a period of disorientation, extreme challenge and ultimately however, to many sublime discoveries.
Finally, a romantic partner ended our relationship. That act then quickly led to an initial reassessment that resulted in my leaving an entire world of friendships, social connections and activity that our relationship was heavily involved and intertwined with. That then led to a complete reassessment and overhaul of my personal ethical/moral and spiritual understanding of what I needed in a romantic partnership and who I wanted to be in such a partnering.
Each of these experiences, in their own unique ways, inspired deep soul searching within me. In each case I was also forced to look very deeply at both my own behaviors and the behaviors of the individuals involved and find some meaning behind the behaviors. Sometimes that was very uncomfortable. In the end, some very important "no's" emerged. Each one sent my life in a very new and positive direction.
Eckhart Tolle speaks of a “high quality no.” This concept has been extremely helpful in my progressions toward learning how to both deal with those intense life changing events and in learning to say no in a very self-beneficial way. Here is that essential teaching, that became such a guiding light for me, from the Tolle book, “The Power of Now:"
"It is perfectly possible to say “no” firmly and clearly to a person or to walk away from a situation and be in a state of complete inner nonresistance at the same time. When you say “no” to a person or a situation let it come not from reaction but from insight, from a clear realization of what is right or not right for you at that moment. Let it be a nonreactive “no,” a high-quality “no,” a “no” that is free from negativity and so creates no further suffering."
There are many reasons why people find it difficult to say no to either relationships or situations. For me one difficulty came out of my belief that I needed to take care of people at all costs, even if I found myself suffering greatly in the process. That belief sprung from the knowledge that I am called to be a healer and spiritual leader in the world. I have known both for years now. Both of those realities are very honorable. And indeed, I still carry them close to me in my daily approach to life. What was missing was a step that many spiritual people fail to include. And that step is the understanding that we can love someone very sincerely and even love them unconditionally and also believe everyone is essentially good and at the same time and in a way that comes directly out of all of those knowings say, "No," “No thank you!” ”No!”
As shocking as it is to me now, I know a core belief/mythology I use to carry was the belief that being a caregiver, healer and spiritual leader meant tolerating the abuse directed at me by others, no matter what. I now realize that is insane. I also have a deep understanding and compassion for how it comes about especially in people who are approaching life from certain purposeful places of service, healing, care-taking, teaching and spiritual leadership.
Perhaps for you the difficulty comes from low self worth or a lack of self-esteem or a need for security. Perhaps it comes from a lack of awareness that you are in fact being abused in certain relationships or situations. It may come from a desire to have everyone like you or to make everyone comfortable or some fear of loss. It could also be motivated my many other things. As with so many other experiences in life, the first step is recognition of the dysfunction and how it is interrupting our natural flow.
Now we arrive at the tricky part. Once we learn to say “no thank you” from a place of real love, we need to achieve and have very deep awareness and presence to not slip into saying “no” at every single difficult turn in a relationship or situation in life. We need not respond to every transgression someone in our lives commits with an immediate and resounding "no!" Presence, consciousness, mindfulness, awareness and balance become very important here and they help to moderate both of those temptations. We have to look deeply and make sure we are not simply being reactive or pompous. High quality no's will not come from those spaces, only more pain and suffering.
Raven/Sage Mahosadha
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