Friendships Between Black Men and White Women, Part I

In 1990 I enjoyed a very pleasant and nice lunch with a white female friend at a restaurant in a mid-sized Central Kentucky city. This was something we did frequently. We had arrived at the restaurant in my friends car. When we returned to her car to head home, someone had scrawled in the dirt on the car the words “nigger lover” on one of the car doors.

Four years later in the same state though in a different city approximately 30 miles away, I went to a different restaurant, a Denny's, after 1 am with several white gay male friends after having socialized together at a local gay bar until the bars closing time. The Denny's was located in one of the more diverse neighborhoods in this city of between 250,000 and 300,000. The neighborhood had a significant number though not a majority of African American residents. We all felt very comfortable in the neighborhood. We had all been to this Denny's as a group many times before. We were all very good friends and we always had a great time whenever we were all together. That early morning outing was no exception.

Sometime between our order being taken and when our food arrived, a young white woman we had not noticed earlier (I did say we were a group of gay men didn't I) walked up to a table not far from ours where a young black man and a young white woman were seated. The one white woman walked right up to the table, got about a foot from the face of the young woman sitting there and said in what seemed to be the loudest voice she could muster, “You are a disgrace to your race you f*king b*tch. You're nothing but a f*king nigger lover. Somebody ought to slap some f*king sense into you. And I just may be the one to do it”

It was an early Saturday morning. This Denny's was one of the few places open in the city after hours. Hence, it was fairly well packed with an extremely diverse group of people many of whom had similarly arrived from various watering holes throughout the city for an early morning snack or meal. There was a substantial wait staff on hand and there was a night shift manager on the premises who was a muscular white male who was the size and build of a professional wrestler. He appeared to be in his late 20s to early 30s.

The woman who came to the table of the black man and white woman did not stop her tirade after her initial outburst. She went on and on for what seemed like an eternity though in reality it was probably around 10 minutes. She never once acknowledged nor looked in the direction of the black man whatsoever. Her full and undivided attention was searingly focused on the other white woman. At one point she angrily challenged the woman sitting at the table to go outside with her and engage in a fight. The table she herself had been sitting at which contained a group of white men and woman loudly cheered her on when she proposed that challenge. For their part, the black man and the white woman sitting at the table didn't say a word. From the instant the one white woman had opened her mouth they lowered their heads and seemed to be wishing they each had the superpower of invisibility. None of the wait staff said a word throughout the entire tirade. The manager, who was visible to everyone throughout the incident, didn't say a word and took no action. No one in the restaurant said a word nor took any action. Finally, one of the white gay men at our table jumped up and rushed over to the manager, got in his face and screamed, “Will you call the f*king police or something a-hole!” At this, the screaming woman and all of her friends collected themselves and rushed out of the restaurant. I didn't notice if they paid their bill or not. The young black man and young white woman at the table kept their collective heads lowered, speechless. They were obviously traumatized. Everyone at my table openly vowed to never return to the restaurant again. I don't know about the others but I kept that promise. I and no one in the restaurant likely had any idea if the black man and white woman at the table were romantically linked or merely had a platonic relationship. There was no overt affection expressed between them. I for one have gone out numerous times and at all hours of the day and night with many different white female friends.

Now, when these two events took place I was in my early to mid 30s. I have other stories I could tell that both pre-date and post-date these two. They are stories that take place in this same part of the country and in other parts of the country as well. They are stories that occur in communities much smaller and communities much larger than these two. The common denominator in all of them is that they involve me—a black man, and at least one of my white female friends. For many years I have had many close and important relationships with white women. Not all of the stories I could tell involves racism and/or overt bigotry. They each however, express some of the numerous and complex dynamics that can be present whenever black men and white woman develop friendships in a decidedly race and gender conscious culture and where black men and white woman are often viewed as being at opposing ends of that cultural channel. So many things come into play here—power dynamics, money, socioeconomic statuses, sexuality, classism, perceived gender and race based cultural worth, etc. The most horrifying of the stories I could tell involves me and one of my very closest white female friends who at the time the story takes place was pregnant. Hint: It too took place in The American South and the lovely people we encountered on that fateful day mistakenly made the assumption I was the father of my friends unborn child...

©Raven/Sage Mahosadha