THE BEST OF MOYO AFLAME 2011: Addicted to Our Narratives: Choosing Romantic Partners Very Similar To Us

This piece originally appeared on Moyo Aflame on February 21, 2011. Me and my partner John are still a couple (it will be clear soon why I added that little caveat).


Several weeks ago I caught part of a television program my partner was watching. I rarely watch TV. I didn't have a TV for the 12 years before we met. John, on the other hand, is an avid lover of television. On this program, when I walked in the room, there was an interview being conducted with a fairly renowned pit master, as in BBQ Pit Master, who earns his reputation and makes his very good living grilling very large pieces a meat on various grills every day. He also owns a BBQ restaurant where again, grilled meats are the house specialty. At one point the interviewer asked this man a question about his, the pit masters family's, assumed enjoyment of his carnivorous creations. This is the point where we the viewers as well as an obviously surprised interviewer find out that this particular grill master has a wife and two children (all the couple's children) who are all vegetarian. A famous BBQ grill master with an entirely vegetarian family! I smiled a knowing smile.

I have noticed something in the last couple of years, that is quite intriguing to me. I have noticed that a number of my good friends and myself as well have taken romantic partners and life partners who are extremely different from ourselves. I am not speaking of basic every day, run of the mill differences that are par for the course. I am talking about really dramatic, night and day completely different sets of values differences-- the kind of stark differences that have people asking, with serious bewilderment-- what do you two talk about? Indeed, I have gotten that question several times in reference to my relationship with John.

I have written extensively about my belief that what I call, "the healing potential" is the principal and fundamental reason for any and all romantic/intimate relationships. I do not know anyone who is consciously aware of every single thing that can potentially be healed within them. I do not have that information about myself either. Some of what can be healed within us can be healed by being in a relationship with someone who is very similar to us, has many of the same values and is a wonderful mirror to us. That is the call to healing that most coupled people seem to be called to at this time on the planet. I also imagine that someone who is very different from us, has very different values and is not a mirror in the traditional way we have been taught to understand that concept, can help us on our healing journey tremendously. I am noticing numerous people, myself included, who seem to be called right now to this path. It is not a particularly easy path, conventionally speaking. It requires a very specific and developed type of openness and surrender on the part of both participants.

Mass marketed and popular psychological ideas have been helpful to so many people on the planet it is now really quite difficult to just dismiss all of it out of hand. That would be like throwing the proverbial baby out with the bathwater. Still, even with my great respect for psychological thought and all the many benefits I have received from it, I can honestly say I am unaware of any system--even among the deepest and most integrated psychological systems--that are able to anticipate every possible nuance of every souls healing journey. Some of this is simply beyond the conceptual limitations of such systems. No system can tell us with absolute certainty what our specific soul's journey is. Many of these mass marketed and popular systems pretend to know the answer to every potential relationship problem imaginable. They don't. Dr. Phil does not know nearly enough, even if he had you on his show 500 times, the perfect prescription for the attainment of your perfect relationship. Many pop culture self help gurus assume from the very beginning that being with someone with "very similar values" is an absolutely fundamental requirement for a successful relationship. My answer to that assumption: "There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy." 

And so perhaps we are in one of the ages where there are some among us whose soul journey, for whatever reasons, includes a path that is minus the comforts and predictability that come with having a partner that is so similar to us.

Let's explore a little, shall we. 

What could possibly be gained by having a partner who literally has extremely different values from us and on so many multiple levels? What would such a couple talk about? Aren't intimate relationships supposed to be built on things the individuals have in common? 

John and I are coming up on our second anniversary as a couple. It seems like we've been together much longer. The main reason it feels much longer is because we are so different. For the first several months I fought many of those differences intensely. Eventually however, I began to understand the very special gift we had been given, I had been given. Much of our time together feels like two people who speak two different systems of speech--like one of us speaking a phonics based language and the other is speaking a tonal language and neither of us having a clue about how to understand the others system. What can two people possibly learn in such a situation?

The biggest lesson I have learned through this experience is to absolutely give up the idea of being right even around issues I absolutely know I am right about. I believe that is really a very unusual human experience--giving up the idea of being right even around things we have gotten very use to believing we have great knowledge and information about. It's really a very deeply spiritual experience. There's really no other way in which to even somewhat accurately speak about this. Its not that my knowledge has somehow slipped away or that my confidence in what I have learned in life has weakened any. No, what has happened is that by being in a close, intimate relationship with someone whose worldview is so different from my own in so many ways, I have come to truly see that everything in life is merely perception and/or projection. I have preached that for years--the idea that everything is either projection or perception. I now see that all those years of speaking to this was little more than intellectual and mental calisthenics. I now have a life experience that has made it all much more than a mental/intellectual exercise. I don't yet have the words to fully express the intensity of this experience. To some extent my entire life seems like a dream as a result. Much of the life around me, outside of my relationship, watching other people interact with one another, seems like a dream.

I have come to see that so much of popular psychology and the self help culture and to some extent the reality show culture that has sprung up from it, is built around finding pathology in everyone and giving people overly simplistic guidance about how to direct our lives, especially regarding romantic relationships and our relationship with ourselves. This relationship with John has been the primary impetus for my engaging on a serious project of re-languaging how I speak of life, situations and experiences with others. I am primarily re-languaging and eliminating many of the pathology laced words I have learned in both my professional psychology study and career and/or that have found their way into the popular fabric of this country and the world. I am speaking of words and phrases like codependent, passive aggressive, fear of intimacy and many others. These now appear to largely be the potentially arrogant labels used largely by individuals and groups of judging people who believe their worldview is the correct one for everyone and then that is projected out by way of pathology based assessments of others. It is the worldview of people who have perhaps not seriously been emotionally connected to someone who comes from a very different worldview--so seriously connected that it prompts one to question the assumptions that form the foundation of so many of those worldviews. How do we really know if someone is truly fearing intimacy or not? How do we know what codependency really looks like for every single person and every single spiritual journey and earth walk on the planet? Really, how do we know? How do we know whether what looks pathological, isn't in reality something of subtle yet stunning beauty and perfection? We do not know and that is the point here.

Spiritual Practice, Racism, White Privilege and the Spiritual Concept of Liberation (Part I)

I belong to many spiritually oriented groups. I have for a very long time. I know an exceptionally large number of people who consider themselves to be anywhere from moderately to significantly “spiritual.” Many of these people do not talk about or even acknowledge racism in their everyday and and in some cases voluminous writings, discourses and “satsangas.” Even fewer talk about or even acknowledge white privilege. Why is this? I believe a large part of the answer lies in the concept of liberation as defined and employed by a large and diverse cross section of spiritual seekers.

More specifically, many so called spiritual seekers have a concept of liberation that is heavily weighted toward personal liberation. In other words it is a liberation that places emphasis on individual enlightenment and achievement. Meaning it de-emphasizes, de-legitimizes and in its more extreme cases effectively disappears the understanding of liberation as a direct result of the combination of spiritual practice and social justice action. Though many who view themselves as “highly spiritual” will also often give superficial and for them, adequate lip service to some of the more basic ideas that find a much more distilled and developed expression in such teachings as Engaged Buddhism as taught by spiritual masters such as Thich Nhat Hanh and others.

Second, being a spiritual seeker/person does not unfortunately automatically exempt one from being a human being. And we human beings notoriously avoid things that make us uncomfortable. Racism and white privilege are exceedingly uncomfortable conversations in this culture. This is why Tim Wise, antiracism and white privilege teacher and essayist extraordinaire, receives so many death threats and on a very regular basis. Oddly, it is this very type of avoidance that many spiritual practices and teachings would have us deeply explore, investigate and come to terms with. Habit energy however, is oftentimes stronger and more influential than even the most sublime and beautiful spiritual teachings. So when habit energy, especially when enhanced with a certain type of abstract intellectualism, exist in a spiritual seeker, denial and avoidance are often the result.

So, for those keeping score, we so far have concern with and the primacy of personal liberation and habit energy as reasons why more spiritual people do not talk about and try to actively impact social understanding and social change around the issues of racism and white privilege. To these we can now add what I like to call “above the fray-ism.” Above the fray-ism is when so called spiritual or religious people make a distinction and draw lines of demarcation between their psycho-emotional lives, their social observation and participation and their spiritual aspirations. The so called spiritual aspirations become the locus of focus while psycho-emotional and social observation and participation become the frays one must effectively rise above. Certain strains of neo-advitin (with an ostensibly Hindu foundation) philosophy but also numerous strains of fundamental Christianity and other fundamental religious/spiritual expressions are good examples of systems that employ above the fray-ism an an integral aspect of their belief systems. Above the fray-ism of course does not just nullify discussions of racism and white privilege it nullifies pretty much all discussions of anything that could be considered a social ill, problem or concern. Another, more basic understanding of above the fray-ism is to simply call it denial. Though it is a type of denial that includes some elements that are not necessarily found in plain ole, run of the mill denial. There are expressions of self righteousness and bullying here that don't always show up in plain ole, run of the mill denial. One can, for example, believe global warming simply does not exist with no other energy maintaining that belief other than ignorance, environmental blindness and perhaps a certain level of naiveté. The type of denial I am speaking of here has all the elements of run of the mill denial with the additional strong belief that others simply are not as smart, evolved, aware or conscious with the added strong need to convince those others of all of that.

Finally, there is probably privilege and perhaps even racism experienced by some of the spiritual people in question here and that prevents such spiritual people from speaking out against and about white privilege and racism. Aside from politicians and the CEOs of many large corporations and certain large non-profits, I have not observed too many people who are able to expertly talk out of both sides of their mouths with extreme and pathological proficiency while simultaneously convincing the masses (or their constituency) of their sincerity. In other words, some spiritual people probably don't speak out too much about racism and white privilege because they are consciously or unconsciously, actively or passively--psychologically, emotionally, financially and/or in other ways, participants in and beneficiaries of both.

Addicted to Our Narratives: Choosing Romantic Partners Very Similar To Us

Several weeks ago I caught part of a television program my partner was watching. I rarely watch TV. I didn't have a TV for the 12 years before we met. John, on the other hand, is an avid lover of television. On this program, when I walked in the room, there was an interview being conducted with a fairly renowned pit master, as in BBQ Pit Master, who earns his reputation and makes his very good living grilling very large pieces a meat on various grills every day. He also owns a BBQ restaurant where again, grilled meats are the house specialty. At one point the interviewer asked this man a question about his, the pit masters family's, assumed enjoyment of his carnivorous creations. This is the point where we the viewers as well as an obviously surprised interviewer find out that this particular grill master has a wife and two children (all the couple's children) who are all vegetarian. A famous BBQ grill master with an entirely vegetarian family! I smiled a knowing smile.

I have noticed something in the last couple of years, that is quite intriguing to me. I have noticed that a number of my good friends and myself as well have taken romantic partners and life partners who are extremely different from ourselves. I am not speaking of basic every day, run of the mill differences that are par for the course. I am talking about really dramatic, night and day completely different sets of values differences-- the kind of stark differences that have people asking, with serious bewilderment-- what do you two talk about? Indeed, I have gotten that question several times in reference to my relationship with John.

I have written extensively about my belief that what I call, "the healing potential" is the principal and fundamental reason for any and all romantic/intimate relationships. I do not know anyone who is consciously aware of every single thing that can potentially be healed within them. I do not have that information about myself either. Some of what can be healed within us can be healed by being in a relationship with someone who is very similar to us, has many of the same values and is a wonderful mirror to us. That is the call to healing that most coupled people seem to be called to at this time on the planet. I also imagine that someone who is very different from us, has very different values and is not a mirror in the traditional way we have been taught to understand that concept, can help us on our healing journey tremendously. I am noticing numerous people, myself included, who seem to be called right now to this path. It is not a particularly easy path, conventionally speaking. It requires a very specific and developed type of openness and surrender on the part of both participants.

Mass marketed and popular psychological ideas have been helpful to so many people on the planet it is now really quite difficult to just dismiss all of it out of hand. That would be like throwing the proverbial baby out with the bathwater. Still, even with my great respect for psychological thought and all the many benefits I have received from it, I can honestly say I am unaware of any system--even among the deepest and most integrated psychological systems--that are able to anticipate every possible nuance of every souls healing journey. Some of this is simply beyond the conceptual limitations of such systems. No system can tell us with absolute certainty what our specific soul's journey is. Many of these mass marketed and popular systems pretend to know the answer to every potential relationship problem imaginable. They don't. Dr. Phil does not know nearly enough, even if he had you on his show 500 times, the perfect prescription for the attainment of your perfect relationship. Many pop culture self help gurus assume from the very beginning that being with someone with "very similar values" is an absolutely fundamental requirement for a successful relationship. My answer to that assumption: "There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy."

And so perhaps we are in one of the ages where there are some among us whose soul journey, for whatever reasons, includes a path that is minus the comforts and predictability that come with having a partner that is so similar to us.

Let's explore a little, shall we.

What could possibly be gained by having a partner who literally has extremely different values from us and on so many multiple levels? What would such a couple talk about? Aren't intimate relationships supposed to be built on things the individuals have in common?

John and I are coming up on our second anniversary as a couple. It seems like we've been together much longer. The main reason it feels much longer is because we are so different. For the first several months I fought many of those differences intensely. Eventually however, I began to understand the very special gift we had been given, I had been given. Much of our time together feels like two people who speak two different systems of speech--like one of us speaking a phonics based language and the other is speaking a tonal language and neither of us having a clue about how to understand the others system. What can two people possibly learn in such a situation?

The biggest lesson I have learned through this experience is to absolutely give up the idea of being right even around issues I absolutely know I am right about. I believe that is really a very unusual human experience--giving up the idea of being right even around things we have gotten very use to believing we have great knowledge and information about. It's really a very deeply spiritual experience. There's really no other way in which to even somewhat accurately speak about this. Its not that my knowledge has somehow slipped away or that my confidence in what I have learned in life has weakened any. No, what has happened is that by being in a close, intimate relationship with someone whose worldview is so different from my own in so many ways, I have come to truly see that everything in life is merely perception and/or projection. I have preached that for years--the idea that everything is either projection or perception. I now see that all those years of speaking to this was little more than intellectual and mental calisthenics. I now have a life experience that has made it all much more than a mental/intellectual exercise. I don't yet have the words to fully express the intensity of this experience. To some extent my entire life seems like a dream as a result. Much of the life around me, outside of my relationship, watching other people interact with one another, seems like a dream.

I have come to see that so much of popular psychology and the self help culture and to some extent the reality show culture that has sprung up from it, is built around finding pathology in everyone and giving people overly simplistic guidance about how to direct our lives, especially regarding romantic relationships and our relationship with ourselves. This relationship with John has been the primary impetus for my engaging on a serious project of re-languaging how I speak of life, situations and experiences with others. I am primarily re-languaging and eliminating many of the pathology laced words I have learned in both my professional psychology study and career and/or that have found their way into the popular fabric of this country and the world. I am speaking of words and phrases like codependent, passive aggressive, fear of intimacy and many others. These now appear to largely be the potentially arrogant labels used largely by individuals and groups of judging people who believe their worldview is the correct one for everyone and then that is projected out by way of pathology based assessments of others. It is the worldview of people who have perhaps not seriously been emotionally connected to someone who comes from a very different worldview--so seriously connected that it prompts one to question the assumptions that form the foundation of so many of those worldviews. How do we really know if someone is truly fearing intimacy or not? How do we know what codependency really looks like for every single person and every single spiritual journey and earth walk on the planet? Really, how do we know? How do we know whether what looks pathological, isn't in reality something of subtle yet stunning beauty and perfection? We do not know and that is the point here.

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Addicted To Our Narratives (internal and spoken)

Common internal narratives (all of which can also become spoken)

* I am worthless

* Nobody loves me

* I am not lovable

* Life is terrible

* I hate my job/I hate my life

* People are stupid

* People are bad

* I am bad

* I am miserable

* Money is the most important thing in the world

* I am my job/my career

* Without my job/career I am nothing

* I need someone to love and who will love me and who will complete me

* My children (child) are the most important people in my life. Without them I am nothing.

© Raven/Sage Mahosadha

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Addicted To Our Narratives (internal and spoken)

We are often addicted to our own narratives around who is lovable and romantically suitable for us. This is a root reason why we don't often hear of venture capitalists marrying homeless people or supermodels dating sanitation workers. What's worse is that such narratives are often not even ours. They are superimposed from parents and/or societal "norms." We want to tell ourselves that the real issue is that we don't share the same "values" or that we are too "different." Those and almost all the other excuses are red herrings. We are addicted to our narratives.

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