In the movie, Harold
and Maude, which first came out
in 1971, viewers are presented with a love based and romantic relationship
between a free spirited, some might say eccentric, but I wouldn’t, elderly (79
years old) Nazi concentration camp female survivor and a quirky, death-obsessed yet
good hearted young and very wealthy man in his early to mid-20s. It is
based on a novel by Colin Higgins written the same year. And if it had not
occurred before, at least not in cinematic form, the world now had one of its
best, beautifully presented, and most enduring examples of a non-traditional,
authentic, loved based, and romantic relationship that did not have anything to
do with same sex attraction or overwrought insanity on the parts of one or both
partners. And if you know anything at all about me you know I find absolutely
nothing wrong with same sex attraction nor overwrought insanity. Well, as long
as the overwrought insanity doesn’t involve anything it is assumed any believed
to be sane person might not also desire in a love based relationship.
I, for one, have been in a number of love based relationships
that many fine, upstanding, Christian Americans with a mortgage, two car
garage, a pet Maltese, and a pet Siamese cat would probably consider very
non-traditional, fake, or even scandalous. In fact, when I think about it,
every single one of my romantic relationships probably fit that description and
very easily so, including my current one. Because of this, I have thought about the topic of
non-traditional love based romantic relationships, marriages, and lifelong
partnerships quite a bit over the past many years.
First let’s identify the (false) gold standard of love based
relationships, marriages and lifelong partnerships. This is likely changing
because of the ever increasing number of countries that are now legally
recognizing marriage equality, including the good ole USA—this, BTW, often does
not extend to couples where one or both partners are transgender—and, I believe
that false gold standard, for many people across the world, still leaves out
same sex relationships. So here is what I believe that baseline gold standard
is. It is a relationship between one man and one woman where this one man and
this one woman do not primarily have a power exchange/BDSM/fetish or “kink”
based relationship. It is a relationship where it is believed these two people
are “soulmates” or “twin flames” or otherwise are deeply “in love” with each
other, and where this “in love-ness” supersedes any and everything else that
might possibly also be present in the relationship. And it is necessarily believed
that no other person can realistically or even possibly ever threaten the
assumed monogamy and eternal in-love nature of the paring. I may be forgetting
a point or two. However, I think that’s essentially it in a nutshell. A
dazzling Miss Congeniality crown and sash will be given to two person limited,
monogamous, gay male or lesbian couples who otherwise meet the rest of that
criteria.
So that false gold standard, I believe, leaves a whole lot of
present day couples flailing out in the breeze. And it is that massive wind
vacuum that I desire to respectfully, lovingly, and beautifully explore and
legitimize.
Into that tunnel are love based relationships, marriages, and
lifelong partnerships that involve more than two consenting adults in the mix,
all of whom have specifically and very consciously in conjunction with one
another designed the relationship, marriage, or partnership to include more
than two such people. It includes power exchange/BDSM/fetish or “kink” based
relationships that have this as the primary or one of the primary glues and
shared interests of and in the relationship. It includes relationships where the
conventional definition of “being in love” is not present, never has been
present, will never be present, and is believed is not needed to be present to
substantiate and legitimize the relationship nor its longevity. It includes
relationships, marriages, and lifelong partnerships where simply finding an
additional parent for the kid or kids was clearly the principal and either the
stated or unstated principal reason for the relationship and where a more
traditional in-love based element either has or hasn’t developed. It includes
relationships, marriages, and lifelong partnerships that do in fact involve a
coupling between one man and one woman, where this one man and this one woman
do not primarily have a power exchange/BDSM/fetish or “kink” based
relationship. It’s where it is a relationship where it is believed these two
people are “soulmates” or “twin flames” or are otherwise deeply “in love” with
each other, and where this “in-love-ness” supersedes anything else that might
possibly also be present in the relationship. And it is where it is necessarily
believed no other person can possibly ever threaten the assumed monogamy and
eternal in-love nature of the paring—however,
it’s also one where the woman is twenty-five or more years older than the man.
This false gold standard does not include relationships where
financial security for one of the partners is either the stated or unstated yet
absolutely the principal reason for the coupling. It does not include
relationships where one partner has been classified as having “average or above
average IQ” by the American Psychological Association’s intelligence testing
based guidelines and where the other partner has been classified as having
“borderline intellectual functioning” or has Down Syndrome or otherwise has
been determined as having “significantly below average or lower IQ.” It does
not include relationships, marriages and partnerships where both partners have
consciously chosen to live in different countries for all but a few weeks of
each year and where this arrangement has successfully been in place for
decades. It does not include relationships, marriages, and lifelong
partnerships where one partner is on death row or is otherwise incarcerated. It
does not include relationships, marriages, and lifelong partnerships where one
or both partners have taken a traditional vow of celibacy as this applies to
Roman Catholic clergy and other Roman Catholic religious personnel guidelines,
Orthodox Christian, or other religious group guidelines, etc. I could go on and
on. However, I believe you get the picture.
You may have found that some or a lot of judgment and
resistance around reading about one or more of these type relationships as being legitimate
came up for you as you were reading all of those different relationships types.
Nevertheless, many love based relationships, marriages, and
lifelong partnerships do not represent the false gold standard that many cultures
have set up around this topic. And many such relationships marriages, and
partnerships that believe they in fact represent this illusory gold standard, in
point of fact, do not. Boom! Bam! Thank you ma’am!
So, just where do we go from here with all of this? I’ll
attempt to grapple with that in part 2.
Photo by devilskey
