Trauma and Living with Trauma

I have been aware of trauma and many of the impacts of trauma for pretty much my entire life and certainly for my entire adult life. Once I entered graduate school in my late twenties, studying clinical psychology and doing practicums in real, live clinical environments, my awareness of, knowledge of, and intimacy with both my own experienced life traumas as well as the lived trauma of others, grew exponentially.

It was at this point that I also began doing active research into trauma and various approaches to treating trauma. Somewhere along this multi-faceted and circuitous journey, I’m not exactly sure at what point, I seemed to have developed a more or less fixed attitude towards certain groups of people living with trauma. This attitude was one of viewing certain groups of people living with trauma as being extremely intense victims of a cruel, cruel world, of such people being almost totally devoid of agency and ego strength, as believing such people were to be treated like extremely fragile little china doll like people requiring that everyone tiptoe around them as if we were tiptoeing around freshly laid quail eggs in a large open pasture hidden within very high grasses and with the singular commandment to not step on any of the eggs. In other words, I developed an attitude about certain people living with trauma that held the belief that these people were somehow almost completely defenseless, necessarily entitled to all kinds of special treatment and considerations yet also highly victimized people whom everyone else should go to extraordinary and superhuman lengths not to offend, add more trauma to, nor even breathe on too heavily. This approach didn’t just come to me in a dream or something. It really did seem to be the way a significant number of people in my life at a certain point, thought about and approached such things. I don’t say that in a blaming way. I take complete responsibility for my active and non-coerced participation in this rarefied horsey crap. Somewhat recently however, I have in fact discovered these beliefs to not only be quite dysfunctional and not particularly helpful, but to also being very potentially damaging and limiting—insulting even, to many a person living with trauma. Praise God!

I, of course, know I am not the only person on the planet that either previously or currently thinks of at least some categories of people living with trauma in such ways—more or less or give or take a few degrees on the Likert scale. If hard pressed though, I somehow doubt many such people would be as honest as I have just been in admitting that this is how I thought of at least some people living with trauma. People who still think like this know it might sound rather extreme or even silly to a lot of other people to describe people living with trauma in such perhaps extreme ways. However, if one were given an opportunity to deeply yet surreptitiously observe how these same people engage with people living with trauma, one would see clear indications that such beliefs show up in their attitudes towards working with people living with trauma no matter what they publicly admit to or not.

I believe it would be challenging for me to have what I would consider to be a highly mutually respectful, progressive, and spacious discussion about trauma and how to address it with quite a few people. I believe many people who would want to be a part of such a discussion or who would naturally be drawn to such a discussion, in general, would be people living with trauma themselves or those who view themselves as being fierce advocates for those living with trauma. And so I am unsure how good such people would be at not bringing their own unconscious or disowned biases, rigid beliefs, and personally unexamined agendas into such a discussion. As I have said, I used to be such a person and one who has had many conversations with other such people and so my expressed skepticism about engaging in a mutually respectful and spacious manner, in such discussions is, I believe, justified and based on much personal experience. And at the same time, I’m open to being wrong about that.

And yet I believe both I and such people are sincerely interested in advancing how people living with trauma are treated both in the world at large and in terms of medical and psychosocial and targeted supportive treatment. I also believe both I and such people sincerely want a better world and life for people living with trauma. And I also believe both I am such people desire opportunities for healing for people living with trauma. And so I am going to go forward here. I believe the best way for me to go forward is with a combination of statements and questions regarding trauma and living with trauma.

So here are some of the statements I am able to personally and currently make around trauma and living with trauma. This list is not to be considered exhaustive:

1.  Living in an often cruel, angry, unjust, and violent world traumatizes everyone who lives in such a world, in some very real ways.

2.    Going to bed hungry at night can be trauma inducing

3.     Merely “surviving” in life, in whatever way(s) that is experienced by a person, can be trauma inducing.

4.      Not all people living with trauma are exactly nor even largely the same.

5.       Not all people living with trauma experience living with trauma in the exact same ways.

6.       Not all people living with trauma in the world, in our immediate environments, in our families and communities, and within the helping professions matrix that provides services to people living with trauma, experience equal acknowledgement of the fact that we/they are indeed living with experienced trauma.

7.       Like with many other areas and domains in life, certain forms of real trauma are more legitimized than other forms of real trauma. For example, for all kinds of multiple and diverse reasons, the trauma that men and boys experience as a result of sexual abuse, sexual assault, and rape, up until very recently, have been routinely downplayed and minimized.

8.      There is something in the world that is in some circles referred to as, The Pain Wars. This is a real thing. In The Pain Wars people who belong to one or more historically, traditionally, and/or contemporarily oppressed, disenfranchised, and marginalized groups, fight or compete with each other or jockey for the “title” and “privilege” or for the “recognition” of being the most oppressed, disenfranchised, or marginalized group or groups on the planet either historically, traditionally, currently, or all three. Often this same type of thinking is extended to the vast and diverse world of people living with trauma. This is one of the numerous ways competition consciousness has revealed itself in our modern world. I believe this is wrong-headed. I also believe this is counterproductive, and very destructive to our individual and collective healing.

9.      I keep myself abreast of all of the latest research and treatment options available to those living with trauma. I am currently engaged in an exhaustive degree of research on Lifespan Integration as developed by Peggy Pace, M.A. for conceptualizing, understanding, and treating trauma and other syndromes and conditions. I am also studying new innovations in neural plasticity and other “cutting edge” research as it applies to treating people living with trauma.

10.  I understand the situation where some people who are living with trauma and who are in public environments such as a classroom setting, in a church service, attending a Buddhist sangha, attending satsang, are at a work meeting, and in many other countless such situations where he or she may hear or see or otherwise experience something that is experienced by him or her as traumatizing or re-traumatizing. I also understand that when this occurs in a situation where the person is not provided with a natural or planned opportunity to process the various and potentially numerous difficult and disturbing thoughts, physical or emotional sensations that can arise, that such can be experienced as extremely disconcerting, panic inducing, and very, very scary. I also understand that such a person may also experience disorientation and/or even disassociation. Despite my deep understanding of all of this, I have come to a place where I am no longer comfortable with such a situation being viewed nor addressed as one in which the “intent versus impact” construct is the only or even the principal way in which such situations are either viewed through and/or addressed. This is primarily because the intent versus impact construction, in my understanding, is to some degree, built upon the idea of harm having potentially occurred—even if in some future investigative or other process that is instituted or engaged in, it is decided that no harm was in fact done. I am still uncomfortable with this construct being the only or primary tool used because even if it is decided that no harm has been done, the situation was still predicated under the broad rubric of potential harm being done. I would be very interested in exploring other rubrics through which such situations could be understood through instead of through the intent versus impact rubric. For me this is very analogous to being accused of a crime in which one has ultimately been completely exonerated of. As we all know, there are certain crimes in which a complete and total exoneration still leaves a tangible veneer of at least suspected guilt because, among other reasons, the rubric in which innocence was determined under is still part and parcel of the criminal justice system rubric, even though the word “justice” appears there as well. This is because of the existence of things like circumstantial versus hard evidence, varying preponderances of proof, varying margins for error, and so forth and so on. Additionally and perhaps even more importantly, this intent versus impact construction, grounded in potential harm occurring, also seems to cast people living with trauma too strongly, in my opinion, in the inescapable role of victim and people who always have to be rescued or protected by other people who may consciously or unconsciously cause us/them harm specifically via our status as people living with trauma.

Here are some of the personal and current questions I have. Some of these questions are designed for you to simply ask them of yourselves to ponder. This list is not to be considered exhaustive:

1. What is trauma to you, really?

2.   Is it possible to live in the 21^st century and not be personally impacted by trauma, even as a newborn baby?

3.   What are some of the aspects of the relationship between experienced trauma and personal responsibility or personal ownership in addressing ones experienced trauma?

4.    What, for you, are some of the aspects of the relationship between experienced trauma, personal responsibility or personal ownership in addressing ones trauma, and the complete healing from a specific incidence of trauma?

5.      What, for you, are some of the aspects of the relationship between healing from trauma and being on a conscious journey of spiritual awakening?

6.      Are you able to identify some the potential or actual ways, if any, that your best intentions in how you address other people’s trauma might possibly in reality be, paving the road to Hell for them, as it were or places you in a position of being codependent?

7.      Do you personally believe that complete healing from a specific traumatic experience or multiple incidents of trauma is possible? If so, what does complete healing mean to you? What are some of the things this concept implies for you?

8.      There are two terms that come to us from classical psychoanalysis and that are now pretty much recognized as potentially playing a role in virtually all forms of therapeutic and counseling relationships. You may or may not be familiar with them. These two terms are transference and counter-transference. Do you believe it is helpful or not helpful to explore how these terms may play a role in how people interact with other people who are clearly living with trauma and vice versa?

9.      What, in your opinion, is the primary goal or a potential set of life goals, in general, for someone living with trauma?

10.  If one is a pastor, priest, minister, Buddhist teacher, satsang leader, or other spiritual or religious leader and someone such a person provides spiritual or religious guidance to in a community setting/context requests that you, in your role as a spiritual or religious leader, never are to ever even mention or even allude to the fact that sexual abuse and/or sexual exploitation can occur between a spiritual leader and a member of such a community. This person also reveals to you that even your passive acknowledgement of such a possible occurrence in spiritual communities is experienced by him/her as re-trauma and as such is totally unacceptable. How should one, as a spiritual leader, respond to such a request? What if the person additionally states that if he/she cannot be absolutely assured that you will not unwaveringly honor his/her request, you will be viewed as personally and wantonly endangering the person’s safety in the congregation/community and as such the person also states that he/she will permanently leave the congregation unless such total assurances can be given by you. If you as the spiritual leader decides to honor this request, how are you supposed to know what else you may innocently speak of in a sermon or Dharma talk that might be unwittingly traumatizing to another person in the community? Perhaps mentioning the recent murder of a black citizen in the community will re-traumatize someone else in the community who unbeknownst to you, is in the community and has experienced such personally in his or her life. Also, is honoring any such requests always an incredible slippery slope with absolutely no end in sight or are there ways in which such requests can be honored without becoming a slippery slope? I am assuming that many people reading this will believe some type of further conversation(s) should take place between the spiritual leader and the community member in question, perhaps also bringing in some other people as well. OK, in that case, is there a particular approach or set of goals that should be present with such a further conversation? (BTW, this is not a hypothetical. I was the spiritual leader of a community and was presented with this exact scenario by someone in that community.)

That’s all for now…

A Radical Forgiveness

For those who do not know, I live in Tucson, Arizona.

Like many people here in Tucson and indeed, around the globe--I have spent a fair amount of time in the last several days thinking about, hearing about and reading about what happened here last weekend. I do not know if it is a direct result of all of this, but this story, which I first read about some time ago, just kept coming back to my mind over and over again. It is a true story. It is a story that has been included, over the years, in a number of books, ministerial sermons and various other treatments and anecdotes. Perhaps you have heard the story before. I re-read it many times a year.

After the abolition of apartheid in South Africa, a commission was established to bring the violence of apartheid to light and to give both victims and perpetrators a chance to be heard.

The Commission brought an elderly black woman face to face with the man, a Mr. Van de Broek, who had confessed to the murders of both her only son and her husband.

 The elderly black woman stood in an emotionally charged courtroom, listening to white police officers acknowledge the atrocities they had perpetrated in the name of apartheid.

Officer Van de Broek acknowledged his responsibility in the death of her son. Along with others, he had shot her 18-year-old son at point-blank range. He and the others partied while they burned his body, turning it over and over on the fire until it was reduced to ashes.

Eight years later, Van de Broek and others arrived to seize her husband. A few hours later, shortly after midnight, Van de Broek came to fetch the woman. He took her to a woodpile where her husband lay bound. She was forced to watch as they poured gasoline over his body and ignited the flames that consumed his body. The last words she heard her husband say were "Forgive them."

Now, Van de Broek stood before her awaiting judgment. South Africa's Truth and Reconciliation Commission asked her what she wanted.

The old woman replied:

"I want three things," she said calmly. "I want Mr. Van de Broek to take me to the place where they burned my husband's body. I would like to gather up the dust and give him a decent burial."

"Second, Mr. van de Broek took all my family away from me, and I still have a lot of love to give. I want, secondly, therefore, for Mr. Van de Broek to become my son. Twice a month, I would like for him to come to the ghetto and spend a day with me so I can be a mother to him."

"Third, I would like Mr. Van de Broek to know that he is forgiven by God, and that I forgive him, too. I would kindly ask someone to lead me to where he is seated, so I can take Mr. Van de Broek in my arms, embrace him and let him know that he is truly forgiven."

The assistants came to help the old black woman across the courtroom. Mr. Van de Broek, overwhelmed by what he had just heard, fainted. And as he did, those in the courtroom---friends, family, neighbors, all victims of decades of oppression and injustice---began to sing "Amazing Grace." Gradually everyone joined in.

Harvey, A. (2009) The Hope: A Guide to Sacred Activism, New York: Hay House, Inc.

Prevallet, E. (2005) Toward a Spirituality for Global Justice: A Call to Kinship. Sowers Books and Videos.

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A Teaching on Control and Vulnerability

In the mid to late 90's I worked at a large urban hospice in the southeastern part of the United States. Ever since that experience I have often said that working at hospice changed my life forever. Much of the reason doing such work changed my life forever is because it is the strongest experience of my life that has affirmed to me the absolute power and beauty of the human spirit. And that is because while working at hospice I very frequently had the experience of coming into people's lives at one of the most difficult and challenging, if not the most difficult and challenging time in their lives---the death of a loved one-- and got to witness first hand the process of one's movement through that; the movement through grief to places of remarkable and astonishing healing.

Many of my stories--and I have many stories from my time at hospice--are stories that exemplify this power and beauty of the human spirit. Not all of them are however. Some of them are stories that could easily be labeled as tragic. Over the years I have come to realize that the main reasons those stories feel so tragic is because they are absolutely perfect examples of how none of us has any real control over our lives and how all of us are extremely vulnerable whether we want to admit it or not. I am going to share one of my most indelible hospice stories now. It is one of the stories of utter non-control and utter naked vulnerability.

My job title at the hospice was Grief and Bereavement Coordinator. My job was mostly though not limited to providing grief and bereavement counseling to people who had recently lost a loved one through death. Even though I had worked at hospice for a few years and had heard almost everything imaginable, nothing, I don't believe, could have prepared me for the story I was going to hear on the particular day I am about to share about.

On that fateful day an impeccably dressed young woman in her early to mid 30's who looked like she had just walked off of a glamorous Hollywood red carpet, walked into my office. Despite her beautiful outward appearance, it was also obvious she was in shock. I had seen that look many times during my work at hospice. It was not long before she told me she was there because of the recent death of her 5 year old son.

She was the wife of a surgeon. Her husband came from a line of three generations of surgeons--her husband, her father-in-law and her father-in-laws father who at this time was no longer living.

Her son had been born with a congenital heart defect. At birth he was given a very small window of time to live. I do not now remember exactly what that window was. As anyone reading this story can certainly imagine, having so many surgeons and physicians in one's immediate family was definitely a godsend for this little boy. From day one the entire family was absolutely dedicated to finding a way to circumvent this young infants death sentence. And they had the money, influence, professional knowledge, connections and wherewithal to back up that desire.

It was not long before the family was aware of every single physician anywhere in the entire world who was doing any type of research, no matter how far fetched, that could potentially and ultimately result in the saving of this young boys life.

Eventually they connected with a surgeon in Europe who had pioneered a technique that sounded like the one that could correct the child's congenital defect. After months of intense and arduous communication between the family and this surgeon's team, a surgery date was scheduled. The surgery was soon done. From all perspectives the surgery was deemed an absolute success by absolutely everyone involved. The young boy, who was quickly approaching 5 years of age, had to remain in Europe for a few months so that his recovery could be closely monitored. There was not one complication. The young boy became a celebrity of sorts in the country in which the surgery had taken place. The procedure he received was the very first procedure of its kind in the world--and he had survived and in fact was thriving.

The mother, still sitting in my office, at this point pulled out a manila envelope containing a thick bundle of newspaper articles from both the country where the surgery took place and from America hailing and celebrating the miraculous success of her sons surgery and his remarkable recovery.

Soon came the time for him to return to the States. He traveled back to America safely and without any complications. A few months after his return home was his 5th birthday. His parents planned an elaborate 5th birthday party for him. It was of course, going to be more than just a fifth birthday celebration. It was also going to be a welcome home party and a thank you party for his successful surgery and recovery. It was also going to be a party to celebrate the fact that in a very real way this young child's life had been given back to him, his family and to the world.

The day of the party arrived. I was told everything was done in grand style and that everything was perfect. Everyone was on cloud nine. The family could not have been happier. Their son could not have been happier.

At some point during the party the little boy was playing with several of his young friends. No one was apparently closely monitoring this. Why should they? He was in the safety of his home with his loving family.

The young boy continued to play with his friends. So much of his young life had consisted of family members, doctors and others monitoring every single second of his life. Finally on this day people allowed themselves to exhale. They still monitored him. He was still in recovery from a serious surgery. Still, everyone agreed there was now a reason to give a little bit of breathing room, no matter how slight. So within that breathing room came the ability to let the young boy gently play with his friends without constant supervision.

One of his friends threw the child a ball. He didn't catch it. It gained some velocity and rolled a little down a small hill. The young boy was in quick pursuit. The ball rolled some more. No one saw the ball roll down another small hill. No one noticed the seconds it took for the young boy to happily continue to pursue it. Everything happened so quickly. The ball rolled out into the street. And at that exact moment a large truck was rounding the corner on the same street. The driver had no time to react. The boy followed the ball into the street. Brakes squealed with that horrifying sound we all know. Usually it is just a false alarm. This time it wasn't. The boy ran into the street, was hit by the truck and was instantly killed. He was exactly five years old.

What was just moments earlier a day of unmatched familial and triumphant celebration of life, success and dreams coming true had instantly turned into a family's unspeakable and unbelievable nightmare of sudden and deep experience of  death, tragedy and absolute and complete despair. None of those words I just wrote of course can even come close to describing the reality of what the family members actually experienced as they rushed to the street and were met with to them was a scene of unbelievable horror.

I can count on one hand the number of times I have been rendered absolutely completely and totally speechless in this life. The moment the beautiful woman sitting across from me came to the end of her story, was a moment I came face to face with such a time. It seemed to last forever. It did last forever. How does one respond to such a story. I have no idea what my first words after hearing the conclusion of the story were. I can only guess I did not say something completely inappropriate and offensive because she came back for a second session.

If anyone, for the rest of my life happens to ask me if I have a story to share that illustrates both how we have no control in our lives and how we are constantly living in a world that constantly invites us to experience our vulnerability, this would be the story I would share. I have no other that meets that criterion so completely.

Every year some percentage of children around the world die before they reach the age of consent. A disproportionate amount of these children will be children who live in poverty and/or who have few or none of the basic needs in place that Abraham Maslow speakes of so fluently in his hierarchy of human needs. Some parents who know their children live neither in poverty nor without their basic needs being met can allow themselves to live under the false security that their children are somehow automatically exempt from becoming one of these statistics. They are deluding themselves.

If we do not freely knock on the door of vulnerability, it will knock on ours. The only thing we have control over is whether or not-- if we choose to wait for it to knock on our doors--  to answer the door or not. If we do not answer the door however, vulnerability will simply let itself in.

"Vulnerability is the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging and of love."

~Brene Brown

Social Science Researcher on vulnerability, courage, authenticity and shame

© Raven/Sage Mahosadha

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