Trauma and Living with Trauma

I have been aware of trauma and many of the impacts of trauma for pretty much my entire life and certainly for my entire adult life. Once I entered graduate school in my late twenties, studying clinical psychology and doing practicums in real, live clinical environments, my awareness of, knowledge of, and intimacy with both my own experienced life traumas as well as the lived trauma of others, grew exponentially.

It was at this point that I also began doing active research into trauma and various approaches to treating trauma. Somewhere along this multi-faceted and circuitous journey, I’m not exactly sure at what point, I seemed to have developed a more or less fixed attitude towards certain groups of people living with trauma. This attitude was one of viewing certain groups of people living with trauma as being extremely intense victims of a cruel, cruel world, of such people being almost totally devoid of agency and ego strength, as believing such people were to be treated like extremely fragile little china doll like people requiring that everyone tiptoe around them as if we were tiptoeing around freshly laid quail eggs in a large open pasture hidden within very high grasses and with the singular commandment to not step on any of the eggs. In other words, I developed an attitude about certain people living with trauma that held the belief that these people were somehow almost completely defenseless, necessarily entitled to all kinds of special treatment and considerations yet also highly victimized people whom everyone else should go to extraordinary and superhuman lengths not to offend, add more trauma to, nor even breathe on too heavily. This approach didn’t just come to me in a dream or something. It really did seem to be the way a significant number of people in my life at a certain point, thought about and approached such things. I don’t say that in a blaming way. I take complete responsibility for my active and non-coerced participation in this rarefied horsey crap. Somewhat recently however, I have in fact discovered these beliefs to not only be quite dysfunctional and not particularly helpful, but to also being very potentially damaging and limiting—insulting even, to many a person living with trauma. Praise God!

I, of course, know I am not the only person on the planet that either previously or currently thinks of at least some categories of people living with trauma in such ways—more or less or give or take a few degrees on the Likert scale. If hard pressed though, I somehow doubt many such people would be as honest as I have just been in admitting that this is how I thought of at least some people living with trauma. People who still think like this know it might sound rather extreme or even silly to a lot of other people to describe people living with trauma in such perhaps extreme ways. However, if one were given an opportunity to deeply yet surreptitiously observe how these same people engage with people living with trauma, one would see clear indications that such beliefs show up in their attitudes towards working with people living with trauma no matter what they publicly admit to or not.

I believe it would be challenging for me to have what I would consider to be a highly mutually respectful, progressive, and spacious discussion about trauma and how to address it with quite a few people. I believe many people who would want to be a part of such a discussion or who would naturally be drawn to such a discussion, in general, would be people living with trauma themselves or those who view themselves as being fierce advocates for those living with trauma. And so I am unsure how good such people would be at not bringing their own unconscious or disowned biases, rigid beliefs, and personally unexamined agendas into such a discussion. As I have said, I used to be such a person and one who has had many conversations with other such people and so my expressed skepticism about engaging in a mutually respectful and spacious manner, in such discussions is, I believe, justified and based on much personal experience. And at the same time, I’m open to being wrong about that.

And yet I believe both I and such people are sincerely interested in advancing how people living with trauma are treated both in the world at large and in terms of medical and psychosocial and targeted supportive treatment. I also believe both I and such people sincerely want a better world and life for people living with trauma. And I also believe both I am such people desire opportunities for healing for people living with trauma. And so I am going to go forward here. I believe the best way for me to go forward is with a combination of statements and questions regarding trauma and living with trauma.

So here are some of the statements I am able to personally and currently make around trauma and living with trauma. This list is not to be considered exhaustive:

1.  Living in an often cruel, angry, unjust, and violent world traumatizes everyone who lives in such a world, in some very real ways.

2.    Going to bed hungry at night can be trauma inducing

3.     Merely “surviving” in life, in whatever way(s) that is experienced by a person, can be trauma inducing.

4.      Not all people living with trauma are exactly nor even largely the same.

5.       Not all people living with trauma experience living with trauma in the exact same ways.

6.       Not all people living with trauma in the world, in our immediate environments, in our families and communities, and within the helping professions matrix that provides services to people living with trauma, experience equal acknowledgement of the fact that we/they are indeed living with experienced trauma.

7.       Like with many other areas and domains in life, certain forms of real trauma are more legitimized than other forms of real trauma. For example, for all kinds of multiple and diverse reasons, the trauma that men and boys experience as a result of sexual abuse, sexual assault, and rape, up until very recently, have been routinely downplayed and minimized.

8.      There is something in the world that is in some circles referred to as, The Pain Wars. This is a real thing. In The Pain Wars people who belong to one or more historically, traditionally, and/or contemporarily oppressed, disenfranchised, and marginalized groups, fight or compete with each other or jockey for the “title” and “privilege” or for the “recognition” of being the most oppressed, disenfranchised, or marginalized group or groups on the planet either historically, traditionally, currently, or all three. Often this same type of thinking is extended to the vast and diverse world of people living with trauma. This is one of the numerous ways competition consciousness has revealed itself in our modern world. I believe this is wrong-headed. I also believe this is counterproductive, and very destructive to our individual and collective healing.

9.      I keep myself abreast of all of the latest research and treatment options available to those living with trauma. I am currently engaged in an exhaustive degree of research on Lifespan Integration as developed by Peggy Pace, M.A. for conceptualizing, understanding, and treating trauma and other syndromes and conditions. I am also studying new innovations in neural plasticity and other “cutting edge” research as it applies to treating people living with trauma.

10.  I understand the situation where some people who are living with trauma and who are in public environments such as a classroom setting, in a church service, attending a Buddhist sangha, attending satsang, are at a work meeting, and in many other countless such situations where he or she may hear or see or otherwise experience something that is experienced by him or her as traumatizing or re-traumatizing. I also understand that when this occurs in a situation where the person is not provided with a natural or planned opportunity to process the various and potentially numerous difficult and disturbing thoughts, physical or emotional sensations that can arise, that such can be experienced as extremely disconcerting, panic inducing, and very, very scary. I also understand that such a person may also experience disorientation and/or even disassociation. Despite my deep understanding of all of this, I have come to a place where I am no longer comfortable with such a situation being viewed nor addressed as one in which the “intent versus impact” construct is the only or even the principal way in which such situations are either viewed through and/or addressed. This is primarily because the intent versus impact construction, in my understanding, is to some degree, built upon the idea of harm having potentially occurred—even if in some future investigative or other process that is instituted or engaged in, it is decided that no harm was in fact done. I am still uncomfortable with this construct being the only or primary tool used because even if it is decided that no harm has been done, the situation was still predicated under the broad rubric of potential harm being done. I would be very interested in exploring other rubrics through which such situations could be understood through instead of through the intent versus impact rubric. For me this is very analogous to being accused of a crime in which one has ultimately been completely exonerated of. As we all know, there are certain crimes in which a complete and total exoneration still leaves a tangible veneer of at least suspected guilt because, among other reasons, the rubric in which innocence was determined under is still part and parcel of the criminal justice system rubric, even though the word “justice” appears there as well. This is because of the existence of things like circumstantial versus hard evidence, varying preponderances of proof, varying margins for error, and so forth and so on. Additionally and perhaps even more importantly, this intent versus impact construction, grounded in potential harm occurring, also seems to cast people living with trauma too strongly, in my opinion, in the inescapable role of victim and people who always have to be rescued or protected by other people who may consciously or unconsciously cause us/them harm specifically via our status as people living with trauma.

Here are some of the personal and current questions I have. Some of these questions are designed for you to simply ask them of yourselves to ponder. This list is not to be considered exhaustive:

1. What is trauma to you, really?

2.   Is it possible to live in the 21^st century and not be personally impacted by trauma, even as a newborn baby?

3.   What are some of the aspects of the relationship between experienced trauma and personal responsibility or personal ownership in addressing ones experienced trauma?

4.    What, for you, are some of the aspects of the relationship between experienced trauma, personal responsibility or personal ownership in addressing ones trauma, and the complete healing from a specific incidence of trauma?

5.      What, for you, are some of the aspects of the relationship between healing from trauma and being on a conscious journey of spiritual awakening?

6.      Are you able to identify some the potential or actual ways, if any, that your best intentions in how you address other people’s trauma might possibly in reality be, paving the road to Hell for them, as it were or places you in a position of being codependent?

7.      Do you personally believe that complete healing from a specific traumatic experience or multiple incidents of trauma is possible? If so, what does complete healing mean to you? What are some of the things this concept implies for you?

8.      There are two terms that come to us from classical psychoanalysis and that are now pretty much recognized as potentially playing a role in virtually all forms of therapeutic and counseling relationships. You may or may not be familiar with them. These two terms are transference and counter-transference. Do you believe it is helpful or not helpful to explore how these terms may play a role in how people interact with other people who are clearly living with trauma and vice versa?

9.      What, in your opinion, is the primary goal or a potential set of life goals, in general, for someone living with trauma?

10.  If one is a pastor, priest, minister, Buddhist teacher, satsang leader, or other spiritual or religious leader and someone such a person provides spiritual or religious guidance to in a community setting/context requests that you, in your role as a spiritual or religious leader, never are to ever even mention or even allude to the fact that sexual abuse and/or sexual exploitation can occur between a spiritual leader and a member of such a community. This person also reveals to you that even your passive acknowledgement of such a possible occurrence in spiritual communities is experienced by him/her as re-trauma and as such is totally unacceptable. How should one, as a spiritual leader, respond to such a request? What if the person additionally states that if he/she cannot be absolutely assured that you will not unwaveringly honor his/her request, you will be viewed as personally and wantonly endangering the person’s safety in the congregation/community and as such the person also states that he/she will permanently leave the congregation unless such total assurances can be given by you. If you as the spiritual leader decides to honor this request, how are you supposed to know what else you may innocently speak of in a sermon or Dharma talk that might be unwittingly traumatizing to another person in the community? Perhaps mentioning the recent murder of a black citizen in the community will re-traumatize someone else in the community who unbeknownst to you, is in the community and has experienced such personally in his or her life. Also, is honoring any such requests always an incredible slippery slope with absolutely no end in sight or are there ways in which such requests can be honored without becoming a slippery slope? I am assuming that many people reading this will believe some type of further conversation(s) should take place between the spiritual leader and the community member in question, perhaps also bringing in some other people as well. OK, in that case, is there a particular approach or set of goals that should be present with such a further conversation? (BTW, this is not a hypothetical. I was the spiritual leader of a community and was presented with this exact scenario by someone in that community.)

That’s all for now…

President Barak Obama's Speech at the Tucson Memorial, January 12, 2011, Full Text

To the families of those we’ve lost; to all who called them friends; to the students of this university, the public servants gathered tonight, and the people of Tucson and Arizona: I have come here tonight as an American who, like all Americans, kneels to pray with you today, and will stand by you tomorrow.

There is nothing I can say that will fill the sudden hole torn in your hearts. But know this: the hopes of a nation are here tonight. We mourn with you for the fallen. We join you in your grief. And we add our faith to yours that Representative Gabrielle Giffords and the other living victims of this tragedy pull through.

As Scripture tells us:

          There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,

the holy place where the Most High dwells.
God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.

On Saturday morning, Gabby, her staff, and many of her constituents gathered outside a supermarket to exercise their right to peaceful assembly and free speech. They were fulfilling a central tenet of the democracy envisioned by our founders – representatives of the people answering to their constituents, so as to carry their concerns to our nation’s capital. Gabby called it “Congress on Your Corner” – just an updated version of government of and by and for the people.

That is the quintessentially American scene that was shattered by a gunman’s bullets. And the six people who lost their lives on Saturday – they too represented what is best in America.

Judge John Roll served our legal system for nearly 40 years. A graduate of this university and its law school, Judge Roll was recommended for the federal bench by John McCain twenty years ago, appointed by President George H.W. Bush, and rose to become Arizona’s chief federal judge. His colleagues described him as the hardest-working judge within the Ninth Circuit. He was on his way back from attending Mass, as he did every day, when he decided to stop by and say hi to his Representative. John is survived by his loving wife, Maureen, his three sons, and his five grandchildren.

George and Dorothy Morris – “Dot” to her friends – were high school sweethearts who got married and had two daughters. They did everything together, traveling the open road in their RV, enjoying what their friends called a 50-year honeymoon. Saturday morning, they went by the Safeway to hear what their Congresswoman had to say. When gunfire rang out, George, a former Marine, instinctively tried to shield his wife. Both were shot. Dot passed away.

A New Jersey native, Phyllis Schneck retired to Tucson to beat the snow. But in the summer, she would return East, where her world revolved around her 3 children, 7 grandchildren, and 2 year-old great-granddaughter. A gifted quilter, she’d often work under her favorite tree, or sometimes sew aprons with the logos of the Jets and the Giants to give out at the church where she volunteered. A Republican, she took a liking to Gabby, and wanted to get to know her better.

Dorwan and Mavy Stoddard grew up in Tucson together – about seventy years ago. They moved apart and started their own respective families, but after both were widowed they found their way back here, to, as one of Mavy’s daughters put it, “be boyfriend and girlfriend again.” When they weren’t out on the road in their motor home, you could find them just up the road, helping folks in need at the Mountain Avenue Church of Christ. A retired construction worker, Dorwan spent his spare time fixing up the church along with their dog, Tux. His final act of selflessness was to dive on top of his wife, sacrificing his life for hers.

Everything Gabe Zimmerman did, he did with passion – but his true passion was people. As Gabby’s outreach director, he made the cares of thousands of her constituents his own, seeing to it that seniors got the Medicare benefits they had earned, that veterans got the medals and care they deserved, that government was working for ordinary folks. He died doing what he loved – talking with people and seeing how he could help. Gabe is survived by his parents, Ross and Emily, his brother, Ben, and his fiancée, Kelly, who he planned to marry next year.

And then there is nine year-old Christina Taylor Green. Christina was an A student, a dancer, a gymnast, and a swimmer. She often proclaimed that she wanted to be the first woman to play in the major leagues, and as the only girl on her Little League team, no one put it past her. She showed an appreciation for life uncommon for a girl her age, and would remind her mother, “We are so blessed. We have the best life.” And she’d pay those blessings back by participating in a charity that helped children who were less fortunate.

Our hearts are broken by their sudden passing. Our hearts are broken – and yet, our hearts also have reason for fullness.

Our hearts are full of hope and thanks for the 13 Americans who survived the shooting, including the congresswoman many of them went to see on Saturday. I have just come from the University Medical Center, just a mile from here, where our friend Gabby courageously fights to recover even as we speak. And I can tell you this – she knows we’re here and she knows we love her and she knows that we will be rooting for her throughout what will be a difficult journey.

And our hearts are full of gratitude for those who saved others. We are grateful for Daniel Hernandez, a volunteer in Gabby’s office who ran through the chaos to minister to his boss, tending to her wounds to keep her alive. We are grateful for the men who tackled the gunman as he stopped to reload. We are grateful for a petite 61 year-old, Patricia Maisch, who wrestled away the killer’s ammunition, undoubtedly saving some lives. And we are grateful for the doctors and nurses and emergency medics who worked wonders to heal those who’d been hurt.

These men and women remind us that heroism is found not only on the fields of battle. They remind us that heroism does not require special training or physical strength. Heroism is here, all around us, in the hearts of so many of our fellow citizens, just waiting to be summoned – as it was on Saturday morning.

Their actions, their selflessness, also pose a challenge to each of us. It raises the question of what, beyond the prayers and expressions of concern, is required of us going forward. How can we honor the fallen? How can we be true to their memory?

You see, when a tragedy like this strikes, it is part of our nature to demand explanations – to try to impose some order on the chaos, and make sense out of that which seems senseless. Already we’ve seen a national conversation commence, not only about the motivations behind these killings, but about everything from the merits of gun safety laws to the adequacy of our mental health systems. Much of this process, of debating what might be done to prevent such tragedies in the future, is an essential ingredient in our exercise of self-government.

But at a time when our discourse has become so sharply polarized – at a time when we are far too eager to lay the blame for all that ails the world at the feet of those who think differently than we do – it’s important for us to pause for a moment and make sure that we are talking with each other in a way that heals, not a way that wounds.

Scripture tells us that there is evil in the world, and that terrible things happen for reasons that defy human understanding. In the words of Job, “when I looked for light, then came darkness.” Bad things happen, and we must guard against simple explanations in the aftermath.
For the truth is that none of us can know exactly what triggered this vicious attack. None of us can know with any certainty what might have stopped those shots from being fired, or what thoughts lurked in the inner recesses of a violent man’s mind.

So yes, we must examine all the facts behind this tragedy. We cannot and will not be passive in the face of such violence. We should be willing to challenge old assumptions in order to lessen the prospects of violence in the future.

But what we can’t do is use this tragedy as one more occasion to turn on one another. As we discuss these issues, let each of us do so with a good dose of humility. Rather than pointing fingers or assigning blame, let us use this occasion to expand our moral imaginations, to listen to each other more carefully, to sharpen our instincts for empathy, and remind ourselves of all the ways our hopes and dreams are bound together.

After all, that’s what most of us do when we lose someone in our family – especially if the loss is unexpected. We’re shaken from our routines, and forced to look inward. We reflect on the past. Did we spend enough time with an aging parent, we wonder. Did we express our gratitude for all the sacrifices they made for us? Did we tell a spouse just how desperately we loved them, not just once in awhile but every single day?

So sudden loss causes us to look backward – but it also forces us to look forward, to reflect on the present and the future, on the manner in which we live our lives and nurture our relationships with those who are still with us. We may ask ourselves if we’ve shown enough kindness and generosity and compassion to the people in our lives. Perhaps we question whether we are doing right by our children, or our community, and whether our priorities are in order. We recognize our own mortality, and are reminded that in the fleeting time we have on this earth, what matters is not wealth, or status, or power, or fame – but rather, how well we have loved, and what small part we have played in bettering the lives of others.

That process of reflection, of making sure we align our values with our actions – that, I believe, is what a tragedy like this requires. For those who were harmed, those who were killed – they are part of our family, an American family 300 million strong. We may not have known them personally, but we surely see ourselves in them. In George and Dot, in Dorwan and Mavy, we sense the abiding love we have for our own husbands, our own wives, our own life partners. Phyllis – she’s our mom or grandma; Gabe our brother or son. In Judge Roll, we recognize not only a man who prized his family and doing his job well, but also a man who embodied

America’s fidelity to the law. In Gabby, we see a reflection of our public spiritedness, that desire to participate in that sometimes frustrating, sometimes contentious, but always necessary and never-ending process to form a more perfect union.

And in Christina…in Christina we see all of our children. So curious, so trusting, so energetic and full of magic.

So deserving of our love.

And so deserving of our good example. If this tragedy prompts reflection and debate, as it should, let’s make sure it’s worthy of those we have lost. Let’s make sure it’s not on the usual plane of politics and point scoring and pettiness that drifts away with the next news cycle.
The loss of these wonderful people should make every one of us strive to be better in our private lives – to be better friends and neighbors, co-workers and parents. And if, as has been discussed in recent days, their deaths help usher in more civility in our public discourse, let’s remember that it is not because a simple lack of civility caused this tragedy, but rather because only a more civil and honest public discourse can help us face up to our challenges as a nation, in a way that would make them proud. It should be because we want to live up to the example of public servants like John Roll and Gabby Giffords, who knew first and foremost that we are all Americans, and that we can question each other’s ideas without questioning each other’s love of country, and that our task, working together, is to constantly widen the circle of our concern so that we bequeath the American dream to future generations.

I believe we can be better. Those who died here, those who saved lives here – they help me believe. We may not be able to stop all evil in the world, but I know that how we treat one another is entirely up to us. I believe that for all our imperfections, we are full of decency and goodness, and that the forces that divide us are not as strong as those that unite us.

That’s what I believe, in part because that’s what a child like Christina Taylor Green believed. Imagine: here was a young girl who was just becoming aware of our democracy; just beginning to understand the obligations of citizenship; just starting to glimpse the fact that someday she too might play a part in shaping her nation’s future. She had been elected to her student council; she saw public service as something exciting, something hopeful. She was off to meet her congresswoman, someone she was sure was good and important and might be a role model. She saw all this through the eyes of a child, undimmed by the cynicism or vitriol that we adults all too often just take for granted.

I want us to live up to her expectations. I want our democracy to be as good as she imagined it. All of us – we should do everything we can to make sure this country lives up to our children’s expectations.

Christina was given to us on September 11th, 2001, one of 50 babies born that day to be pictured in a book called “Faces of Hope.” On either side of her photo in that book were simple wishes for a child’s life. “I hope you help those in need,” read one. “I hope you know all of the words to the National Anthem and sing it with your hand over your heart. I hope you jump in rain puddles.”

If there are rain puddles in heaven, Christina is jumping in them today. And here on Earth, we place our hands over our hearts, and commit ourselves as Americans to forging a country that is forever worthy of her gentle, happy spirit.

May God bless and keep those we’ve lost in restful and eternal peace. May He love and watch over the survivors. And may He bless the United States of America.

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