Disappointment in Others: One of the Many Faces of Projection

For the last several months I have been engaged in an experiment. The experiment has involved watching, paying close attention to and then noticing very carefully whenever I felt disappointed in someone. Then, after noticing when this had occurred, being very honest with myself, to the best of my ability, about what was truly going on inside of me to bring about the experience and emotional response of being disappointed with or in another Human Being. What I found---and this was not surprising to me in the least---is that in every single case, I was able to track my feelings of disappointment in the other person to the projecting of my hopes, dreams, wishes and/or desires for this person onto them and/or expecting these people to somehow change what was authentic for them in order to placate me and my wishes for them. My disappointment was an expression of me believing I knew what was best for them more than me believing they could figure out what was best for themselves. Often some form of "guilting" (READ: Bullying!) was used by me as a tool of coercion if things progressed to the point where I verbally expressed my feelings of disappointment.

We often tell ourselves whatever we need to tell ourselves to be comfortable and OK with our dysfunctional beliefs and actions

When I told several friends about the experiment, they were very eager to come up with all kinds of excuses for my being disappointed in people as well as excuses for their own engagement in this same behavior. I heard everything from, "No, its not projection. What it is, is that we so care for another person and want what's best for them that we get disappointed when we see them hurting themselves" to, "Being disappointed in others is really a way for us to have empathy for one another. Our disappointed is our way of truly connecting with them."

I ain't buying it.

I cannot speak for these other people and the role being disappointed in others plays in their lives. I can say with absolute certainty that when I, during this several month long experiment, experienced disappointment with another Human Being, it was always about me either projecting my stuff onto them or in the cases where I told the people of my disappointment, it was me trying to manipulate those people in some way. My friends may have a different experience. I however, don't think so. I believe it is a case of them telling themselves whatever they need to tell themselves to be OK with behaviors they engage in that are dysfunctional, manipulative and/or coercive.

I invite anyone who reads this and truly believes there is some other much more altruistic and true reason behind your experience of being disappointed in other people, to share your stories and underlying beliefs with me. I promise I will not dismiss you nor them out of hand as the product of self delusion. However, you can likely anticipate some rather rigorous and pointed questioning from me in an attempt to discover if you are simply suffering from a desire to sugarcoat one of your shadow aspects.

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