Something Very Exciting Going On In My Old Stomping Grounds In Berkeley, CA

GRAND OPENING APRIL 9, 2011

Disappointment in Others: One of the Many Faces of Projection

For the last several months I have been engaged in an experiment. The experiment has involved watching, paying close attention to and then noticing very carefully whenever I felt disappointed in someone. Then, after noticing when this had occurred, being very honest with myself, to the best of my ability, about what was truly going on inside of me to bring about the experience and emotional response of being disappointed with or in another Human Being. What I found---and this was not surprising to me in the least---is that in every single case, I was able to track my feelings of disappointment in the other person to the projecting of my hopes, dreams, wishes and/or desires for this person onto them and/or expecting these people to somehow change what was authentic for them in order to placate me and my wishes for them. My disappointment was an expression of me believing I knew what was best for them more than me believing they could figure out what was best for themselves. Often some form of "guilting" (READ: Bullying!) was used by me as a tool of coercion if things progressed to the point where I verbally expressed my feelings of disappointment.

We often tell ourselves whatever we need to tell ourselves to be comfortable and OK with our dysfunctional beliefs and actions

When I told several friends about the experiment, they were very eager to come up with all kinds of excuses for my being disappointed in people as well as excuses for their own engagement in this same behavior. I heard everything from, "No, its not projection. What it is, is that we so care for another person and want what's best for them that we get disappointed when we see them hurting themselves" to, "Being disappointed in others is really a way for us to have empathy for one another. Our disappointed is our way of truly connecting with them."

I ain't buying it.

I cannot speak for these other people and the role being disappointed in others plays in their lives. I can say with absolute certainty that when I, during this several month long experiment, experienced disappointment with another Human Being, it was always about me either projecting my stuff onto them or in the cases where I told the people of my disappointment, it was me trying to manipulate those people in some way. My friends may have a different experience. I however, don't think so. I believe it is a case of them telling themselves whatever they need to tell themselves to be OK with behaviors they engage in that are dysfunctional, manipulative and/or coercive.

I invite anyone who reads this and truly believes there is some other much more altruistic and true reason behind your experience of being disappointed in other people, to share your stories and underlying beliefs with me. I promise I will not dismiss you nor them out of hand as the product of self delusion. However, you can likely anticipate some rather rigorous and pointed questioning from me in an attempt to discover if you are simply suffering from a desire to sugarcoat one of your shadow aspects.

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A Little Something I Recently Wrote On Homelessness In America

Written early on Christmas morning 2010

There are those who will not give money to certain panhandlers because they believe they will use the money for alcohol and/or drugs. I have never truly understood this rationale and have asked friends who take this tact to explain their mental processes to me.

What I usually get in response is some mishmash of what appears to me to be a combination of judgment, self righteousness and a need to parent people who are often twice their own age, all wrapped up in a pretty package of middle class entitlement and with an equally pretty bow on top.

First, if I were homeless and/or living on the street and/or living in abject poverty there is a better than average chance I would be driven to drink and drug too (I currently do not engage in either) and I would venture to say the same is true for my friends who engage in this practice of refusing to give money to those they believe will use it for such things.

Second, how can they tell a person is going to use the money for alcohol or drugs? Is there some antennae such people are always wearing that I somehow consistently failed to notice after more than 25 years of working with the homeless in four different states and various environments? No, really. That's a serious question.

Third, what if, just what if the people aren't going to use the money for these purposes? Not  that I believe it matters. As one of my friends recently shared in a discussion I had with some people on this topic, what business is it of mine what the money is going to be used for?

I think this may be the place where those people come in who won't give money but instead say something along the lines of, "I'm not going to give you any money but there's a decent deli around the corner. I go there myself all the time. I'll buy you a meal there."

Okay. That's pretty cool. But you know what? I have personally known a number of seemingly good-hearted, hard working people--nice people, for almost 30 years, who have taken this tact. And I can't quite put my finger on it, but there's some reason this tact, as a default response, has always irked me as well. I think its because this one, while exponentially more generous than the other one, seems to have an air of, "Hey! You want my money? Then you gotta play by my rules, baby or Big Daddy (Big Momma) ain't gonna help ya!"

Mmmm, I just don't know.

These are just some thoughts that came to my mind early on this Christmas morning as I think about all the homeless people, children and families on this day. May All Beings Be Free.

© Raven/Sage Mahosadha

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Very few disagreements will retain their significance beyond the grave.

Very few disagreements will retain their significance beyond the grave. It means, we will not live this exact life again. Our bodies will die. Most do not know when. For some death will arrive suddenly with no warning. So we strive for peace with All Beings while alive, desiring to create as little suffering as possible, because, we will not live this exact life again...

Raven Mahosadha

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